EPIC
*This story is a work of fiction, any characters resembling any real people, living or dead, is merely coincidental*
It was a cold winter night in ‘83; nothing but deep breathing could be heard in the plaza. It was Jackson. He had suffered multiple gunshots to his abdomen, lower back, and groin. There he lay alone and coughing up blood, moments away from death. His eyes grew heavy, much to heavy to bear. He began to think that just some rest is all he needs, he has to sleep and when he wakes up, everything will be better. His let’s his body take over and the eyes close. But before he entered his eternal slumber, he felt a soft slap to his face and he quickly opened his eyes. It was Rubia, she had come back for him. She sat down next to him and stared at his bleeding body. Her freakishly large eyes glistened with tears and heart obviously filled with sadness and regret.
“Jackson, you son of a bitch, I told you not to go in alone.” She said with a cracking voice. “Now look at you.”
“Ha, I was on their ass until the very end, I had them cornered. That is, until they pulled out their guns. I knew I shouldn’t have brought a knife to a gun fight.”
“Oh Jackson…”
“Rubia I need to tell you something. *cough cough* Papaya was with them. She gave them my position *cough*.” Rubia looked as if she had just been hit in the heart my monkey poop thrown at extreme speeds. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. But before she could ask Jackson anything, his eyes were closed, never to be opened again. (aarrrrrghhhh) She was alone once again. Papaya. Her ex-lover when she was going through that lesbian phase and also Jackson’s aunt’s sister’s dog’s breeder’s sancho’s manicurist’s personal prostitute’s pimp’s brother’s co-worker’s imaginary friend’s real life back-up friend twice removed. Papaya had killed Jackson, the only person Rubia had left after that tragic donkey show accident , and this, was personal. A million thoughts ran through her head, she wanted revenge but knew Papaya would be more guarded than Danielle Radcliffe at a Twilight convention. She was going to need some help. There was only one person she could think of, Golfrank. She did a rodeo with him back in ‘81. He didn’t use his real name, the name he used was an acronym. It stood for “Gay Old Loser From Rectums and Nipples, Kay?”. Yes, only he could help her. She went to the nearest pay phone and dialed his number.
“Who is this?” said a voice on the other line.
“It’s Rubia, I need your help Golfrank. The Illuminati has killed Jackson and they have Papaya working for them. Can you be there for me?”
“This isn’t even Golfrank, you shouldn’t just assume that the person you’re calling will just answer the phone just because you call. And I’m a girl, I have a girl’s voice, you a dumb bitch. Hold on, let me put Golfrank on the phone.” Rubia hears some shuffling on the other end and then someone else answered the phone.
“Hello.”
“It’s Rubia, I need your help. The Illumin-“
“You don’t have to repeat yourself, Judyr had you on speaker phone. We’re on our way.”
“but you don’t even know where I am.”
“Oh we know everything. Like the fact that you’re wearing some busted ass blue shirt and raggedy ass ripped pants with shoes that don’t even match. Be there in 5 minutes.” As Rubia waited on Golfrank’s arrival she tried to fix her outfit, but it was way beyond repair. Moments later a dirty BMW pulled up next to her and the passenger door opened. “Get in.” She sat in the car and they sped off. Rubia took a look at Golfrank, he hadn’t changed much since the last time she’d seen him. He was a short individual, it was actually quite remarkable how he was able to reach the gas and brake on is car. His hair was cut short, if she hadn’t known better, she would have thought that he was a chemo patient. He wore the same blue polo shirt that he had worn the last time she had seen him, which made her wonder if he owned any other clothes. Her thoughts were then interrupted with a question of her own,
“Where the hell are we going?”
“This job is too big for the two of us; if we’re going to get this done, we’re going to need the help from a group known as the Perpetual Motion Squad. A motley crue of misfits and sexy-assed individuals, and also a group that I happen to be a member of. If anyone can get this job done, its them. But they won’t just help anyone, only members.
“Can you make me a member?”
“I cannot. My member making priveliges were revoked because of… the last time.”
“What happened last time?”
“I don’t like talking about it… but I was deeply in love with a woman. I thought that because I loved her, so would PMS. I was wrong. PMS showed me how much my love had blinded me to the fact that she was a crazy ass bitch who did not belong. She was shortly after kicked to the curb, and never heard from again. Since then, my judgement in people has never been quite the same. So, if you want to become a member of Perpetual Motion Squad, you have to prove yourself.”
“And how do I prove myself?”
“You will see once we arrive.”
“But aren’t we there already?”
“Why would you think that?”
“Well, we’ve been parked in front of this house for 10 minutes…”
“That’s not a house. That’s PMS’s secret base, under the guise of a house. Get out.” They both got out of the car and began to walk up to the door. “Just stay quiet” said Golfrank, “let me do all of the talking.” They reached the door and Golfrank knocked. A booming voice was heard from the other side.
“Secret Password?” said the voice.
“We eat ‘em up, we swallow ‘em down, we spit ‘em out, NO HOMO!” replied Golfrank. A loud ‘YES!’ was heard from the other side of the door. The door then opened revealing a quite tall man. He was unshaven and wore clothes that were wrinkled beyond recognition. Rubia had never seen this man before, but she could tell just by looking at him that he was indeed a perv. She knew she’d have to watch her back (and front) around him. “This” said Golfrank, “is Jorgel. Jorgel, this is Rubia, I want her to be a part of our Squad.”
“Golfrank, do I have to remind you of what happened last time you brought someone here?” said Jorgel
“Yes, but this one is different.” said Golfrank
“That’s what you said about the last one, remember how you thought you were gonna marry the last one?”
“You’re right, you’re right —”
“Everyone’s gonna have to decide if this floozy has what it takes.”
“You dont mean…”
“I do: BATTLE ROYALE.”
“But with whom?”
“Oh, I think you know…”
“No…not…please not… TERRYA!”
“Yes.” Jorgel then grabbed Rubia by her hand and quickly led her to a deep pit filled with mud and cotton candy and threw her in before she could say anything. People then surrounded the top of the pit cheering and yelling. She looked up at Golfrank who look terrified and concerned. Who was this beast that she would have to battle?
Moments later in jumped a woman, and the crowd went crazy with cheers. Rubia looked at her opponent, and was surprised. Terrya was excrutiatingly beautiful. How could this thing of such beauty strike so much fear in Golfrank’s voice? Rubia looked Terrya up and down, her beauty was only matched by her perfect sense of style. Rubia thought it was more like she was going to fight a supermodel rather than a beast. That was, until she looked into Terrya’s eyes. Those eyes. The moment she had gazed into them, she had known. It was clear that those eyes were the eyes that had consumed a thousand souls. The eyes that chewed up, spit out and booed people off stage. Rubia knew that she stood no chance. That’s when Terrya pounced at her, splashing cotton candy and mud all over the place. Rubia tried to run, but Terrya wouldn’t let that happen. Terrya began to pound and pound on Rubia. Rubia’s life began to flash before her eyes. She was defenseless. Then she heard a voice from the crowd. “RUBIA!” She looked up into the crowd and saw a man calling her name. “RUBIA! Take this!” The man then reached into what looked like his ass and pulled out a blue clear object and threw it down the pit. As it fell down in sort of a slow-motion way, it glistened and shone in the light. She first thought it was a solid object but then realized it was much more rubbery. It landed right next to her hand, that’s when she realized what it was. It was a dildo. She picked it up and smacked Terrya right across the face with it, knocking Terrya back. Rubia then stood up and weilded the dildo like it was the Excalibur, ready to take anything on…
Rubia woke up on a couch to see Golfrank and others standing above her. “Wha..What happened?” whispered Rubia.
“You slipped and took a dildo to the head, then you passed out.” said Golfrank with a smile.
“But until then, you were doing great! That’s the longest I’ve ever seen anyone last in the pit with Terrya!” Said the familiar face who had thrown the dildo.
“I told you not to throw that dildo down, Ivano. The dildo never works.” said another man. He was quite large, much like a bear. He was very hairy and his hands looked like they were permanently stained with some sort of residue. Rubia would have been terrified if it were not for the huge, friendly smile across his face.
“Yeah, but this time, the dildo did work… well kinda” said Ivano. She then took a moment to get a good look at him. Unlike she had ever seen before, the man wasn’t fat, nor was he skinny. The only thing that she really new for sure is that he was “shapes”.
“So does this mean that this girl is one of us?” asked a voice. Rubia was not sure who had said it, and had to sit up before she could see a shadowed figure sitting in a wooden chair. She couldn’t see much, but from what she could, she could tell that this man was of stunning beauty, that of which was only matched by Terrya. She did not stare for long because she immediately began to get depressed with the fact that she would never catch a man with that epicness amount of sexiness and style.
“No, Geasexy, this absolutely does not mean that she is one of us. She lost, therefore she has to get the hell out.” Rubia could tell that this one was Judyr from the way her voice sounded over the phone.
”Babe, you know no one ever wins their first fight in the pit with Terrya. Cut her some slack. I think you did great.” When Rubia looked up to see who had said that, she was immediately stunned. This man was perfect in every way. His hair was cut just right to accentuate how beautiful his eyes were. His smile, beautiful, perfect white teeth that shone in the light. His skin tan and build muscular. She had no way of possibly knowing, but she could tell that he was packing; just by looking at him, she knew that he had what it took to please a woman. It was disturbing how attractive and utterly perfect this man was. “Oh, and my name is Arlmando.” he said. She hadn’t noticed it until then, but even his voice was magnificently perfect. It was like James Earl Jones’ voice and Morgan Freeman’s voice had a baby and his voice was that baby.
“Well there’s only one way to make this decision: a vote.” exclaimed Golfrank “All in favor of letting Rubia into the Perpetual Motion Squad, say ‘aye’.” All but Judyr said aye. Arlmando then stood up.
“Alright, well its decided. Rubia, you are one of us. Welcome to PMS! How does it feel?”
“It feels good, but I do have one question: who is that raggedy mulatto boy hiding in the corner?”
“You must be talking about Toddel. He’s just here. Doesn’t really serve a purpose, he’s just here. And he won’t leave. But enough about him, you haven’t had the utmost pleasure of meeting Ivano yet, have you?
